Penitence

Looking at her, that is what he had been lacking in life he thought. She was dancing so lightly that it seemed her feet were not even touching the ground. The pulchritude white gown obeying her cues amenably. The color of her dress was so soothing itself; he could spend a lifetime watching this sight, he thought. Placidity was not something he was acquainted very strongly with. Always in a state of disarray, distress and despondency, he had never felt a joy as great as watching the lady in that white dress dance. The calmness, the peace there in that moment was so palpable he could almost reach out and touch it. It felt like being reborn. He felt his existence to be immensely pure, without any kind of adulterations, without sins and without regrets. Isn’t it amazing how just one person or just one event can change your perceptions regarding so many things! How a minute earlier he thought he was at the verge of breaking apart and now just after looking at her everything seemed so gay and started to make such perfect sense. He couldn’t yet comprehend that how could he possess such equanimity in himself! If he could just live everyday of his life feeling like that how much better things would be?

She looked at him playfully from time to time. And every time she did so, he felt extremely exuberant. Mostly he felt sonder looking at all the people in the streets he walked or the libraries he visited, or the restaurants he went to. But it was not what he felt at that very moment. This was not a time for that; this was not a time to think of other people. He knew he needed her more than anything in the world right now. Therefore, he tried to focus on her solely without letting any other thought infiltrate this pure moment of bliss. She was advancing towards him, treading so facilely as if only walking on the thin air.  Everything appeared to be so tranquil. Now she was only inches away from him. He could feel himself crave for even the slightest touch of her. So near and yet so far. She looked so ethereal that for a moment there he thought maybe he was dead and that is what heaven looked like but then he remembered! Now there was almost no distance between them, he felt she was occupying his personal space but that was exactly what he wanted her to do. She reached out for him and was almost about to make contact when it all came back to him. Every soul wrecking memory, every brain-tearing recollection came back inundating and drowning him beneath the treacherous waves of guilt and remorse again. It was déjà vu all over.
About how many times this exact scene had happened to him, he couldn’t even calculate that now. Every single time he thought this was it but then she disappeared, vanished completely leaving no trace behind. It was starting to get exhausting for him now. But those mere moments in which he felt that warmth which couldn’t be compared to anything in the world filled him with indefatigable patience. He knew that this was not his day. Today he wouldn’t get her. He could only come so close to her to believe that at least she was real. He knew that today forgiveness was not for him. That even the immaculate fabric of her gown was too impeccable for him to touch today. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but someday surely forgiveness will be his. That day must be the day of salvation for him. Surely someday soon she will not run away from him anymore and instead sit with him and take him as hers.
It was moments like these when he felt he could as well be a meliorist. Although the saudades of things now lost sometimes dictated otherwise.

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